


Lost and Found

by mushembra, Tamori



Series: And He Finally Learned What Love and Kindness Meant [8]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Anger, Brief scene of bladder desperation, Emotional Constipation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Father-Son Relationship, Gavin gets mad but not for long, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Personal Growth, Ralph accidentally steals Rufus the plushie, Security Blanket, Understanding, Who can stay mad at a face like Ralph's, he doesn't mean it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-07-02 14:59:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15798924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mushembra/pseuds/mushembra, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tamori/pseuds/Tamori
Summary: Gavin had a secret he kept tucked away with him, and his name was Rufus, the one thing ever gifted to him that wasn't destroyed by the only woman who had ever caredBut in his rush for relief one morning at work, Rufus ends up missing, and the panic and inescapable sadness at losing so important threaten to consume himRufus couldn't really be lost for good, could he?Gavin wasn't sure he could handle that





	Lost and Found

“Connor, I don’t—”

“Hank, please, he has nowhere to go, and he’ll be placed in confinement if he’s brought in for trespassing and squatting again.”

Hank let out a heavy sigh as he glanced at the android standing with he and Connor at their back to back desks. And the poor bastard was a sight. Connor managed to coax out of him that his name is Ralph, and well, it’s gotta be since he uses it to refer to himself in every god damn sentence that comes out of his mouth. The guy was a wreck, the physical damage mirroring the emotional damage. More than likely it happened at the hands of humans with how skittish he’s been ever since walking into the precinct. He was brought in by some new young cop, who was much too rough and frustrated easily by how ‘uncooperative’ the android was being. Connor was quick to intervene. It wasn’t unwillingness, but fear that made him difficult to handle, so he volunteered to take the situation from there. The rookie was all too willing to relinquish the android who 'wasn't even worth his time anyways', apparently.

So here they were, and Connor was practically begging him to let Ralph stay at his house. And honestly, did he even have the fucking room? Sure, Connor was more or less living with Gavin at this point, but Hank wasn’t entirely sure he was comfortable living with an android by himself that has some reservations and bad experiences with humans. It sounded like a recipe for disaster, or murder more like with how unstable he seemed. But it was just so damn hard to say no to those soft brown eyes, full of kindness, full of concern and love for all of those down on their luck. Fuck if they had the room, he was sure Connor would take all of the homeless and stray animals off of the street and into their home. But that’s how he was. He knew what it was like to feel like you had no place, nowhere to turn, left awash on the sea of life in a world that cares little for those on the bottom of the ladder. He wanted to prevent anyone else from experiencing that if he could. Hank’s had to say no a number of times, but Ralph’s case was delicate.

“Ralph, Ralph will be no trouble. Ralph will be small, take up little room. Small, small Ralph.”

“It’s not about that kid, it’s…oh boy…”

“Hank, this will only be a temporary solution. Just to give me enough time to sort out a more permanent placement. I will remain at home with you for the entirety of his stay, I assure you.”

“Ralph doesn’t want to be trouble. Ralph finds somewhere else—”

“No, no it’s…it’s alright. We can…”

Another heavy sigh, and Hank can already tell he’s lost this fight. Ralph makes him think far too much of another certain someone, hurt and damaged by those who should have treated him far kinder. Sure, Ralph was an android, worked, what, at that farm or fucking whatever? Hell, he couldn’t keep all of the job designations straight, that probably wasn't even right. He might have been thinking about that Rupert fucker they chased. All he knew was that some bastard thought it was a bright idea to give him a hell of a time one day and he was forced to run off, to hide in order to save his own life. And he fucking hated seeing anyone hurting like that. A certain someone…speaking of, where in the hell was Gavin, anyway? Probably slept in again. He didn’t do it as often so it could slide here and there, but it always caused him to worry as to the why. A question for later when he showed up.

“Connor, lets go have a little talk in the break room to hash this all out, alright? And it’s a yes, _with conditions_ , let me emphasis that.”

Hank couldn’t help but return the smile that Connor beamed at him, giving a shake of his head as he walked off, hearing briefly the reassurances his son gave Ralph in hopes to keep him calm enough until they returned to the desk. Odds were he was going to scurry off and hide somewhere, but that was fine by him so long as he didn’t cause any trouble. How much trouble could a socially anxious android skittish of humans really be?

\-------------------

“Fuck, fuck, fuck…”

Gavin was a fucking idiot. This happened every time he was overworked and tired, and woke up in the morning with his motivation in a deep, black hole. It took way too long to roll out of bed, even longer to get ready, and that of course did not include food or taking a leak before stepping out for the day. He just wanted to get to work without crashing his car from exhaustion and get some coffee in his system. He was regretting that shit. By the time he pulled into the parking lot and headed for the building, he was pinching at the tip of his cock through his pants, teeth grinding together as he willed his body to wait just a few moments more. He of course pulled his hand away from his groin whenever he entered the building, pace quick and stiff-legged. And fucking great, there was Fowler, loitering around his desk, obviously waiting for him to come in. The memory of the incident of a few weeks back sent a shiver up his spine, and he swore he leaked a bit in his boxers. Fuck.

“Reed—”

“One minute. Please, one minute, Sir.”

And thank fucking god Fowler didn’t move to stop him. He stepped aside, muttering a quick ‘my office when you’re done’, and Gavin briskly made his way to the bathroom, focus solely on his need. He crashed his way into the bathroom, rushing to the nearest urinal, and he was already undoing his belt and pants as soon as he had entered. He hardly had the time to pull himself out and aim before his body relaxed in it’s entirety, letting his urine loose in a thick torrent. Thank fucking god it didn’t end in disaster today. He was having waaaay too many accidents lately (and crying too fucking much, too). He was a grown man. No matter how much comfort he received from his father and lover after such an incident, it was still embarrassing and something he’d much rather avoid. It’s made him consider the surgery again for once in a long while, but the thought of being cut into was more than a little terrifying, so the consideration is quick to leave his head. He wasn't keen on leaving his life in the hands of another. That took a level of trust he just didn't have to give to a stranger.

After finally relieving himself, Gavin let out a most contented sigh, sorting himself back out before standing in front of the sinks. He looked fucking exhausted and out of sorts. He had been up way too late thinking about his coming case. It was probably why Fowler was waiting for him, for the briefing to get this shit kick started. This right here could seal the deal to his promotion he’s been working so hard for. Well, he fucking gave up working on it, but in the recent months he found himself looking towards his future now, thanks to Hank. His father is cozy in his Lieutenant position. He’s said he’s too old to try to advance, can’t handle the stress in his age and physical state. But he insisted on Gavin looking forward. He was young and had a full career to look forward to. So he has, and this could be it. He just needed to get it together and remember he wasn’t alone. He had resources, he had friends now, hell, he even had family. He could do this.

“Come on Gavin, it’s fuckin’ go time.”

Gavin released a heavy sigh, closing his eyes as he wrapped his arms around himself. Anyone not in the know (which was everyone but two people) would think he was just cold, but Connor and Hank knew why he held himself in such a way now. It was to pull his plush dog, Rufus, the only thing he owned near and dear to him, close to his body to calm a frenzied mind down. He was always tucked away in a pocket he lined on the inside of his hoodie, hidden with it’s baggy size. He was always there. Except that now, Rufus wasn’t. The detective’s eyes bugged wide and he ripped open the zipper of his hoodie to eye the pocket. Sure enough, Rufus wasn’t there, and he knew for a damn fact he never left the apartment without it, including and maybe  _especially_ today.

Gavin’s mouth worked open and closed, small distressed noises escaping from deep in his throat. Where? Where the fuck was Rufus? No, no, no, this wasn’t happening. Rufus couldn’t be missing, he couldn’t. If it was the one thing he couldn’t bare losing, it was Rufus, and yet here he was, missing. Frantic eyes scanned the floor of the bathroom, but the plush wasn’t there. It took a few moments before he could finally will his legs to move and he slammed his way back out of the bathroom, expression holding tentatively neutral with panic starting to bubble forth. But he had to keep his wits together. After the display he put on when he was sick, he willed himself to keep stable. Fuck, he didn’t want the department to see him like that again. Not them. He didn’t want everyone to see. It was too much.

Gavin charged forward towards the desks, but in his march he ran smack into Hank, and he staggered back in alarm. He was stiff, trying his best to hold the shaking back, but the tremors were already starting to vibrate through him. His father was quick to pick up on it, as was Connor, who was reaching out to rest a strong and steady hand on his shoulder with little effect.

“Hey, kiddo, calm down. What’s wrong?”

“R…Rufus…” 

Gavin reached into his hoodie again, hoping maybe he’d imagined losing his dear Rufus. But there was not a fucking thing there. Nothing but an empty pocket. A low whine escaped his lips as he pulled his hood up over his head, red, tear filled eyes starting to look around once more like some crazed madman. He wasn’t going to cry. He wasn’t going to fucking cry here out in the open. He wasn't going to let them see him vulnerable where they could judge him again.

“Fuck…ok, hang on, you had him when you came in, right? Maybe he just…fell out? Were you in a hurry this morning?”

“I…I had to fucking piss so bad…”

“Is he in—”

“NO!”

Gavin almost allowed himself to wail, but he restrained his response to a mild shout. Connor reached his arm around the man’s waist, pulling him in a close embrace. Gavin allowed it, resting his head on his lover’s shoulder, but his eyes continued to wander, scouring the floor, the desks, anywhere. Rufus had to be fucking somewhere. He couldn't just up and vanish in thin air.

“Alright, lets just uh…retrace your steps from in here to the car, ok? We’ll help ya look.”

Gavin allowed himself to be led forward, and the three of them looked, and looked, and fucking looked. Retracing your steps was supposed to fucking work. But it didn’t. Rufus was nowhere. Not on the floor, the desks, not in the parking lot, not in or by his car. Nowhere. He was gone, just fucking gone. And now that he was at the car, with no Rufus in sight, he sat himself down in the seat, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes, choking on a single sob before forcing it all back. Hold it together. Hold it back. He was outside away from the rest of the precinct, but anyone could waltz out here at any moment. He wasn't putting on another damn show for them. For the first time in these many weeks, he found himself a little bitter about not being able to maintain any semblance of control over himself (and when he could, it was weak at best). It's a consequence of letting those walls around his heart slowly start to fall away.

“I c-can’t…fuck…”

“Hey, kiddo, come on, it’ll be ok—”

“No it won’t! Rufus is…he’s…”

How can Gavin explain that Rufus was the only gift he received that his father didn’t destroy? That it was the only gift he received from a woman he saw a small handful of times when his mother was around, a woman that actually loved him. She was the only one who loved him in his childhood, and she was taken away from his life in quick and cruel fashion. He never saw her again before she died in her old age, and Rufus was all he had left of her love, the only good thing in his childhood he could cherish. And now he was gone. Gone, gone, gone. His breaths came in short gasps, catching in his throat, the panic seeping throughout his body. How could he lose Rufus? How could he let himself be such a careless fucking idiot?

“Gavin? Hun?”

Gavin glanced up at Connor, whose expression held sadness and concern. His dear Connor. He wished he could convey some way to fix this. He knew the android always wanted to fix things. But how can you fix something like this? There is no fixing this shit without finding Rufus, and if he was  _gone_ , gone. No, he couldn't think about that. He couldn't. More choking and gasping, a shaky whimper, a hand pressed to his mouth to hold it all back.

“We’ll get through this, ok? We’ve gotten through everything else, and we’ll get through this. I won't let you go through this alone.”

Gavin wanted to believe him, he wanted to allow those words to soothe him. But Rufus meant far too much. He was his only comfort his entire life up to this point, and to just lose him like this. He felt defeated, slumping in his seat as he schooled his face to beat back all of that disgustingness threatening to overtake him. He knew he couldn’t hide out here all day. He had work to do, he was a man with responsibilities to uphold. So he took a few short breaths and allowed himself to be guided once more, this time inside. He ignored how Fowler, Chris, and Tina looked at him with concern, murmuring to each other. He made for the Captain’s office, and tried his best to get his focus on the day, even if his mind was torn away.

 ------------------

The day was as long and agonizing as Gavin thought it would be. He was briefed on his case in short order, the Captain kind enough to keep his voice soft and without the usual strong command it typically held. He had no idea what the fucking meant, or if it was a good thing, but it was appreciated. He also appreciated no one asking him why he kept himself hidden away beneath his hood the entire day, the usual quips and sarcasm lost from his lips. He was quiet and given his space outside of his father and lover’s caring presence throughout the day. That and there was this other android every now and then that Connor was talking to. Ralph or some shit. Nervous fucking thing. He payed him no mind, retreating deeply within himself as the only means to keep himself from fracturing at the seams. He was on the verge of panic and tears all fucking day, and he got nowhere on this case. A fucking failure, that’s what he was, even if Hank and Connor told him otherwise.

When the day was finally over, Gavin was coaxed to head home with Hank and Connor, and apparently this Ralph guy in tow. He didn’t really want that fucking android there. He wanted to be selfish and have his family all to himself. But he wasn’t about to throw a tantrum. He wasn’t a child, no matter how much he wanted to be one in this instance. So in a foul mood, he packed himself in the car with the others, seated in the back with Connor, the android holding him close in an attempt to comfort him. Not like he was going to calm down from this. He just couldn’t. Not having Rufus with him upset the fucking balance of the universe, upset a balance he’s kept for years. He didn’t even want to think about the fact he’d have to get used to never seeing his beloved plush again. He was trying to keep himself from going into a fit. But the fates were funny like that.

“So uh, kiddo, I got you something while I was out at lunch. I know it’s not the same, but…I was thinking maybe…maybe it would help. Connor?”

Gavin watched as the android reached into a bag at the footwell of the back seats (he hadn’t noticed it before), and he pulled out a plush cat, new and pristine. And it mocked him. It fucking mocked him. Somewhere in the back of his mind he appreciated the gesture. But the part of him that was hurting from the loss of something so important was outraged. He suddenly couldn’t hold himself together, he suddenly found his mind swimming with memories of a kind and wizened woman with gentle blue eyes, a contrast to the vile green things he was so used to staring him down. It was too much. He lost Rufus, the one thing he promised he’d never lose, the one and only thing he ever had that mattered.

“Gav—”

“It’s not fucking Rufus! H-How dare you?!”

Gavin would regret his anger, he would regret being so ungrateful, but he was so awash with his sadness that his mind scurried to his go to reaction to keep others an arm's length away. Hank watched through the rearview mirror, and even the android Ralph was watching him with startled curiosity, and if he had any sort of presence of mind he’d realize the guy was shifting nervously with some sort of knowing. But all he could register was the angry wails, how he hunched into himself, tugging the hood low over his face to hide his shame. He hated this. He fucking hated this. He was sad, he was embarrassed, he knew it was just some toy and he should be over it, but how do you get over something with such significance? They didn’t know, they didn’t understand.

Gavin allowed Connor (who had tucked the offending plush away in haste) to pull him into his warm arms once more to cry himself out, an attempt to wring himself dry of the pain. But when they had arrived home and the tears were spent, all he felt was hollow and numb. There were very few certainties in the man’s life, and to take any of them away would crumble that carefully constructed foundation. No matter what that foundation was built on, even if it was unstable and filled with bitterness and rage, it at the very least got him by all of these years. He hasn’t had the time to completely confront and rebuild it, and now it was definitely fucking showing.

“Hun? We’re here. Hank and I will head in and get your space ready. Come join us when you can. Take your time.”

Kind Connor, always knows when he needs his space to collect himself. Gavin gave a mute nod, hands clenched into fists on top of his lap. The sound of doors closing filled his ears, then there was nothing but silence. No, it should have been silence, but he heard shifting around, someone else exiting, then his door opening again. And there was that fucking Ralph guy. He didn’t have time to deal with anyone else, especially someone new thrust into his life at a time when that was the last thing he needed. He glanced up at the android, and he was fidgeting about, eyes twitching back and forth yet downcast. He looked fucking guilty, hands behind his back.

“Ralph…Ralph didn’t mean. Ralph saw the soft thing on the floor. Ralph was…”

Gavin didn’t have even a moment to ask what he was on about, because suddenly the android presented him with Rufus, none the worse for wear after his time out of his owner’s care. Rufus, taken, snatched up, by this _thing_ (he would be so ashamed for thinking that even out of anger). He carefully snatched Rufus from Ralph’s grasp, his red rimmed eyes filled with anger, expression hard and cold. And the android recoiled, eyes bugging wide in terror.

“You…fucking…took him. You had him all along, and you fucking said nothing?!”

“Ralph…R-Ralph didn’t know! Ralph w-was scared of the humans! Ralph liked the soft…R-Rufus…Rufus made Ralph feel safe!”

“You had no right!”

Gavin lurched to his feet, not realizing that despite there being no real size difference between the two, he must seem to tower over this poor terrified android. It didn’t help that Ralph was suddenly hunching low, then crouching even lower to the ground, a great trembling erupting through his body. And it halted his anger dead cold in his veins. He didn’t see Ralph for a moment. For a moment he saw himself, cowering in a defensive position, awaiting his father’s violence, begging for him not to hurt him anymore. Fuck, what was he doing? Look at this poor bastard. He glanced at Rufus, safe in his hand, then back at the terrified android that was muttering to himself, shaking like a leaf. It was so obvious now that he gave it a moment's thought. The physical damage mirrored his emotional damage. He was in a new environment, terrified, traumatized by his experience with humans in the past. And he saw something soft, warm, and comforting. It wasn’t Ralph’s fault he dropped Rufus in his rush this morning. Besides, the guy gave him back, and what was he about to do? Scream at him? Hit him? Gavin was disgusted with himself, because it's exactly the sort of thing his father would do.

The detective let out a shaky sigh, then an idea dawned on him as he glanced back into the car. Maybe the cat wasn’t his Rufus, but it sure as hell could be Ralph’s. So he reached in and pulled out the cat plush before kneeling in front of Ralph. He let a gentle hand rest on the android’s shoulder to get his attention, a bad idea with how badly he recoiled in fear, a series of staticky sounds emitting from his mouth that made the man's heart clench. But those wide eyes caught sight of the cat, and Gavin handed it forward, trying to smooth the angry lines from his face, trying to appear soft and warm. It was really fucking hard to do when he was just so tired.

“Look, you can’t have Rufus. Rufus…means a fucking lot to me. But this little guy? He ain’t got a home. Like you. So, you know…maybe you need each other or some shit?”

“Ralph…Ralph doesn’t want to make the human angry. Ralph—”

“Look, that…”

Gavin let out a strained breath through his teeth, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand. Man when he fucks up, he fucks up, huh? But he was trying to keep in mind what Hank has always told him; it’s progress, not perfection. He’ll have his slips, he just needs to correct and learn from them or some shit.

“I didn’t…mean to get mad. Rufus just means a lot. A really nice lady who loved me gave him to me. He’s…part of my family. It’s not your fault I dropped him. Actually, you kept him safe so…thanks. But this little guy? He’s got no one. I think he’d like to have someone, and it looks like you'd like to have someone, too.”

Gavin could see a little bit of hope light up those eyes (well, eye. His other one was pretty fucked up), and Ralph reached out, taking the cat plush into his hands before pulling it close to his body. Then there was the smallest of smiles, and fuck it was worth sitting here and working this out himself. He had rolled the idea in his head to just call Connor over, but this was his mess, he needed to clean it up. It’s something he’s not really good at, but hell, he might be getting better. Who knows. He needed to learn how to deal with this shit on his own. He couldn't call on Hank and Connor to make amends for him for the rest of his life.

“Ralph likes the soft thing.”

“It’s a cat, and he’ll need a name. But come on, we can go inside to do that.”

Gavin rose to his feet, offering a hand to Ralph to help him up. The android accepted, and together they walked to the front door. And god damn, Hank and Connor were watching from the window the whole time, and they had the proudest fucking smiles and their faces. He should punch them in the face (and hug them. After punching them). He could feel his ears burning. He still wasn’t all that good with expressing this shit, but he was getting better little by little, even if it meant taking these awkward baby steps towards improvement.

In the end, though, it was always worth it. It was worth having the honor of sitting on the couch of the Anderson household watching some old ass Disney movie, singing along in the most horrendous singing voice. It was worth the warmth of his lover's arms and being able to openly hold onto Rufus to soothe the nerves of a long and tiring day away. And it was worth being able to maybe make a new friend of someone else who knows what suffering is, what it feels like for the world to chew you up and spit you out. There were so many firsts and happy experiences he would have let pass him by if he remained lost in the tides of life, but he was so glad to have finally been found and saved. Maybe, in the end, no matter the pain he suffered in his past, it was well worth the wait.


End file.
